EVERYONE likes a bit of a read on holiday, and those e-book things are great, aren't they?
I used to gleefully sacrifice at least half my trainer collection packing pounds of paper into a case for two weeks of long-haul heaven. Books are best, I said; but then I tried it, and I liked it.
Soon I had tons of tomes on my e-reader, including recent downloads of clever classics, fabulous fiction, hilarious humour and The Modern Guide To Alliteration.
I still carry the odd paperback, though, because there are plenty of beaches where £100-worth of technology can evaporate quicker than my enthusiasm for a trip to the local craft market. What's that, senor? Spicy tomato sauce in an unfeasibly small jar is only ten Euros? Fabulous, and could you get me some of that incredibly solid handmade soap that I can leave in an ethnic dish for ten years before putting it in the bin? Gracias.
There is, however, one major drawback to the cover-free technology that greets me around the hotel pool. How on Earth am I meant to be judgemental about my fellow guests if I don't know what they're reading?
It's hard enough knowing who to avoid without taking away one of the main signposts of which couples to duck at dinner. Do I really have to resort to using small talk like, "Nottingham, Paul Smith, that's right, yes, but we don't wear the stuff with stripes, that's for the tourists, what's that, you've got loads, oh well, see you at the craft market!"
And it gets worse – we live in an age where you can enter a lukewarm bath of gently bubbling water completely ignorant of the fact that some of the more mature women in there have just warmed up in the sun with a few chapters of Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Yes, they might be talking to you about the Peak District or their husband's rapidly rising fortunes but that's not what they are thinking about, oh no.
What they are thinking about is, "Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness; from make-up remover to soothing balm for a spanked backside, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid?"
Well, not me for one.
But if it's £30 a bottle at the craft market, I'll take two.
